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So after all that had happened, I think it's better that I keep a distance from everything. Need some time to think about what I really want and some time alone as well. This is probably the best for now, I just think we shouldn't run away from our problems anymore. It is not the solution to this. Stop running away. I'm wide awake. I'm an alcoholic I drink every single day. I am going bonkers. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is still beating for myself or somebody else. And the decisions that I made was for myself or somebody else. I always stop and ask myself what should I do to make myself feel better. And this is the day when I realized that most of the decisions that I made weren't for myself, but somebody else. And I don't think it's wrong because sometimes it's just like that. But it's just that you reach some point whereby you are so tired. Especially when you still haven't found the answer to make yourself get out of the situation that you are stuck in. And you lose yourself eventually, doing and saying things that you shouldn't have said to anybody else. I should start to love and cherish myself slowly. Because its not fair for me and everyone else. Somebody told me today that I don't have to live for anyone, to please others and just fuck what others think. I don't have to be the perfect person for somebody. I don't have to be constantly changing for somebody. I don't have to. I'm tired of crying. It doesn't change a shit about anything. I should just slow down and feel myself again. Be myself again, instead of wallowing in self pity which doesn't get me anywhere. So from today onwards, I'm gonna try to believe in myself and work towards being myself again. Breathe hard Meijing and you definitely have the courage to face it.

Courage, that's what I need.

Courage.

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I'm fucking drunk. But I'm loving it.

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It hurts to realize I'm still that helpless girl in the end.

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My hands are trembling.

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I hope my eyes are not that swollen today. Can't wait to go out for lunch later. Had a very bad sleep as usual. Oh my I feel so pressurized and I don't know how to sleep at night. I forgot my pill yesterday and I must eat it today. I am so drained by the intense stress I don't even have energy to do anything. Oh fuck my damn life.

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I'm so pressurized by everything it's like there is this huge rock on my chest and I can hardly breathe. And I can't sleep with all these shit in my head. I'm gonna die.

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